


돌아보지 마

by kriswu



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:51:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1753489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswu/pseuds/kriswu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's amazing, kris thinks, how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	돌아보지 마

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaalright. i had wanted to write about this since basically a week after the thing exploded. however, i didn't know what to write. this is really angsty and mildly personal. it's how i feel it's possible kris might have felt at some point, except angstier. to this day i'm still not sure how i feel about this whole thing.
> 
> if you know where the summary came from, then you probably deserve to be granted a wish ;~; the title is from [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ1EPybtL7U) i'm still not over. also this is thoroughly unbeta'd because i basically just started writing it like a half hour ago.

it's amazing, kris thinks, how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.

just two weeks ago he was dancing and singing on stage with five of his other eleven bandmates. they were all tired that day, but that didn't really matter; they all knew what feeling tired meant. but even now, alone in a flat in his homeland, he felt like the biggest coward. he probably was it.

he couldn't really remember when was the last time he said 'maybe next time' in an interview, but he was sure it hadn't been too long ago. he felt bad about himself, guilty and completely lonely. callling his mother hadn't been as helpful as he'd wanted to; she had been supportive of his decision, but she had also made so much sense, it pained him to think about it. he also remembered what his doctor said, _'you can still do this, but you'll need to take a break at some point, rather sooner than later._

he felt weak, too. he'd been crying even as he knew it was useless, since it was his fault, if not because he was completely by himself. he'd not told anyone about his thoughts and plans, knowing he wouldn't get the encouragement he wanted from the people he cared for, encouragement he most certainly needed. everything was falling apart, but he felt himself so quiet, so still. the internet was full of fans turning their back on him, fans staying by his side, fans fighting between them and the nastiest comments.

alone with his thoughts that had never been the most helpful, he decided to check the press conference his bandmates had done. with all those feelings building up inside of him, and _their_ words spinning around in his head, his heart was beating loudly. they were angry, and he could feel he'd never be forgiven by those he loved most.

'it was my dream, too.' he whisper-sobbed pathetically. it had been the first time he'd cried himself to sleep in a long time.

the next day he woke up at half past nine, head pounding, shirt sticking to his back with sweat. he couldn't believe how much it had affected him to hear the guys he'd considered to be his closest friends say such hurtful things, but with his head a bit clearer, he could understand: they were hurt and felt betrayed, and kris couldn't bring himself to blame them. it was his fault and he'd known that anyway. however, that didn't spare him from feeling worse.

'what could have i done?' he said out loud, feeling as if the silence around him was choking him.

kris realised then, that he'd been foolish. he'd given thought to everything, knowing his body would have never endured all he was supposed to do for their concert and upcoming tour. he knew the others would have been selfish and asked him to stay, and he would have never blamed them.

what hurt him most, though, was the fact that he would not be forgiven easily, if ever, even if his reason was good enough. not because the rest of the members were bad and actually selfish, but because he knew he'd betrayed their trust. how could they forgive him if he'd failed to tell them about his problems both physically and emotionally? how could they forgive him if he didn't even try to explain himself?

he was never going to laugh with baekhyun again, he was never going to have the easy camaraderie there was between him and chanyeol, he was never going to wrap an arm around sehun's shoulder and act like a silly kid with him again. he was never going to have yixing there to play the guitar and sing absent-mindedly, and ease his stress away, and he would never ever again help his members with languages. but what hurt him most was knowing who he'd hurt most: zitao.

fans had always speculated about their relationship, they always said tao was in love with him and rubbish of the sort, and for a while he'd believed it, because tao had never been anything but special when it came to kris. but with time, kris had learnt that tao was just a very loving kid. and he loved him, tao did love him, just not in a romantic way. kris loved and appreciated him right back, and until two weeks ago, even if they'd had rough patches and had yelled at each other more than it was considered acceptable between friends, they'd had the best of relationships. tao admired him, always went to him when something happened, or when he missed home so much he needed someone to remind him how much this was worth it; he'd always thought highly of kris, and aspired to be as smart and mature as him.

tao was never going to be there for him anymore. he wouldn't give him a hug when he needed it, he wouldn't slap some sense into him when he got self conscious about his eyes, he wouldn't sit on the floor with him to eat, he wouldn't walk with him anymore.

kris felt his body ache, along with his heart and mind as he sunk down to the floor, once again crying, clutching a ring tao gave him, feeling the loneliness and desolation seep and settle deep into his bones.


End file.
